I know words aren't enough, but I want to say thank you to all of the friends and family who commented here on my blog and on facebook giving us support last week for Sydney's birthday. This year has been harder for me for some reason and it really helped to know people were thinking and praying for us and helping us get through yet another milestone in our road to recovery. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
It is hard to believe that Sydney would have been three years old today! I can't even imagine what my life would have been like if she were still here! She would be running around, getting in to everything, I'm sure. She would be sassy, like her daddy! (Of course, he has informed me that he is defiant; I am sassy.) She would have made my life a lot easier as she entertained Austin. She would have brought joy to my life every day, just like he does.
Happy Birthday, Sydney!
I miss you so much! This year has been harder for me for some reason. I find myself tearing up at the strangest times, thinking of you. I talk to Austin about you. I tell him when he is playing with something that was yours. I show him your picture.
I don't go by the cemetery very much. I feel guilty about that, but it is just hard to imagine you being there under the ground...even though I know you are not really there. I have a hard time thinking about your beautiful body decaying in the ground. But, I go there if I can when I miss you the most. When I am really having a bad day with it. Your Grandma Nancy and Papa Don keep it looking really nice. And cousin Gavin takes flowers to you occasionally. It really is sweet. He takes so much time to pick out just the right flower for you.
Today, we all came together at the cemetery to bring you balloons and flowers. Grandma Nancy made you a Ladybug flower "cake" that was really cute! Grandpa Ed and Grandma Jean brought you balloons. Aunt Brook and Uncle Geoff brought you balloons and Gavin brought you a little plant. Cameron gave you a pinwheel, but he kept playing with it, too! :) Just before we left, we released several balloons in your memory.
One thing you taught me was how important it is to spend time with family. That is why we all get together each year on your birthday. We went to Aunt Brook's for dinner last night so we could all visit. You would have had so much fun playing with your cousins!
I miss you so much and I wish I could have spent more time with you! I wish I would have spent more time with you when I had the chance. I just didn't know that was going to be all of the time I would have with you! I thought that after you had come through so much, we would have you for so much longer! I am sorry we sent everyone home. I am sorry you spent so much time without us there. I am sorry I did not hold you more. I am so proud of how you fought! You were so brave and strong!
I love you little Ladybug! Mommy will always love and think of you! I will never forget!
Love,
Mommy
Yesterday was Sydney's birthday. I can't believe that she would have been 2 years old. I wonder what she would have been like. What she would have looked like. Life would have been so different had she lived.
Andrew took the day off so we could spend it together. While it was not exactly what we had anticipated (complete with a flat tire and then getting stranded on the side of the road and having to have the Jeep towed to AJ's) we still had a good day. We went by the cemetery and put a pinwheel at the grave and spent some time thinking about Sydney. I feel like I have really healed a lot in the past year. While I still miss her, I don't feel the sharp pain as much any more. Instead, when I think of Sydney, I can enjoy her memory. I think having Austin has done a great deal to help my healing process. I am no longer a Mom with empty arms. We are continually moving on with our lives, but we will never stop missing Sydney or forget her.
We will always love you Sydney! Happy Birthday!
Today would have been Sydney's 1 year birthday. While I had a difficult time this morning, the rest of the day went pretty well. I wrote her a letter this morning in a journal that I have been keeping off and on since being in the hospital. I had planned on posting it here, but then changed my mind. Instead, I have decided to post this poem that was given to us on a plaque on Sunday from a friend who has also lost a daughter. It really says exactly what I feel. The author is unknown. Warning: you may need a tissue handy- I did!
Happy Birthday, Sydney! We love you and miss you very much!Little I knew that morning,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone.
For part of me when with you
The day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
I came across this poem today at Inner Fulfillment and it spoke to my heart! It was originally posted at HEvencense. This is my life now and for the rest of my life. I hope you enjoy it.
Guests
Pain knocked upon my door and said
That she had come to stay;
And though I would not welcome her
But bade her go away, She entered in.
Like my own shade
She followed after me,
And from her stabbing, stinging sword
No moment was I free.
And then one day another knocked
Most gently at my door.
I cried, “No, Pain is living here,
There is no room for more”.
And then I heard His tender voice,
” ‘Tis I, be not afraid”.
And from the day He entered in –
The difference it made!
For though He did not bid her leave,
(My strange, unwelcome guest,)
He taught me how to live with her.
Oh, I had never guessed
That we could dwell so sweetly here,
My Lord and Pain and I,
Within this fragile house of clay
While years slip slowly by!
By Martha Snell Nicholson
Last week, one of my PT professors, Karen, called me and asked me to speak to the third year PT class at Mizzou. The topic? My experience with pregnancy complications and being in the hospital. Huh? You want me to talk? She thought that they could learn more from me, who had been through it, than from her, who had studied it.
I was pretty nervous going in to it. Was I going to forget everything? Was I going to break down in tears? Would I be able to talk through those tears? Would they all look at me as if they saw the third arm growing out of my head? Would they sit there and wonder, "Why is she telling us all this?" My hear was racing, my breathing short, and my palms sweaty. (And I never get sweaty palms!)
Well, as you have probably figured out since I am writing this after the fact...I survived! Not without tears, mind you. But, I made it through. It was another step on my road to recovery. I shared our story, what I learned about being in the hospital and how a PT can affect that, what I learned about grief, and what a PT can do for someone who has been on bed rest. I also made a handout of last week's Thursday 13 post.
Hopefully, sharing my experience will help others in similar situations. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to pass on what I have learned. Thank you Karen! It does not make it worth losing Sydney, but I am glad something good can come out of my grief and loss.
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2. Don't try to fix things. Nothing you or anyone else can do will fix the situation. You can't "make it better." Trying to fix it is just patronizing and upsetting. 3. Hugs. It is amazing how much a hug can heal! Friends could reduce me to tears with a hug and yet, at the same time, make me feel so much better. It was like they were taking part of my burden upon themselves; trying to lighten my load. 4. Let them cry. I really don't like to cry in front of people. But when you have lost your child, you just get used to it. God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. There is something healing about it. So, let them cry when they feel like it. Don't feel like you did something wrong when they cry. The smallest things can set them off. It is not your fault. 5. Listen. I think part of what helped me deal with my grief was to just be able to talk through it out loud to someone else. When I started thinking to myself, I would always stop myself before I got too far down a thought process. But, when talking out loud, it was like I was figuring things out. This kind of goes back to point 2. Don't feel like you have to respond when they start talking about it. Give them time to think through what they want to say and get it all out before you respond. 6. Be willing to sit in silence. When you don't know what to say, it is ok just to sit there. Again, your presence is a comfort even more than words can be some times. It lets them know you care. 7. Prepare food. I know this sounds silly and overly simple, but when you have just gone through a tragedy...and are still going through it...the last thing you think about is feeding yourself. And, when there are family members coming in from out of town for a funeral, the last thing you want to think about is how you are going to feed them. The day after Sydney died, my parents came home to a porch full of food- sandwich things, veggie trays, bread, cheese- everything they would need to feed our family for a couple of days. None of my family, who was also grieving, had to worry about food that entire week. People brought dinner to three different homes (our house, my parents' house, and my in-law's house) for a week! It was a relief! 8. Understand that they may have seemingly irrational thoughts- and that's o.k. I never would have thought I would say, feel, or do some of the things I did after losing Sydney- until I was there. Grief will cause a person to feel things that are abnormal for them. Don't criticize them for those feelings or thoughts. If you do, they may not share them with anyone any more. Holding those things in is not healthy. Talking through those feelings is healthy. Don't deny them of that. For example, I made the statement that I could now understand why a grieving mother would take someone else's baby; or run the car off the road. I meant that without support, grief can make you go crazy. Did that mean that I was considering doing that? NO! Did that mean that I thought it was right to do that? NO! I was just talking through my feelings. 9. Try to avoid saying those "stupid things" that fly out of people's mouths without thinking. For example, we heard things like..."Well, you are still young. You still have time to have more kids." Helpful? NO! That is like saying, "Oh, you spilled a drink? Let me get you another one to replace it." Don't start down the paths of "What ifs?" and help them avoid that path as well. People can "what if" themselves to death, but it won't change anything. A friend came to my house the week of the funeral and asked, "What if they had gotten to her sooner?" and started blaming the hospital. This did not help at all. We also heard, "It was all in God's plan." While it sounds like it should be comforting, it really is not. We did not understand why God's plan would deny us of our child; would cause us so much pain; would tear us apart inside. I don't think God wanted us to suffer like that, but for some reason, he chose not to interfere. Which brings me to another one, "You will understand it one day." That may be so, (though I doubt it) but that does not make it any easier at the time. Don't say you know how they feel unless you have been through the same thing before. Basically, these statements are all made in the attempt to fix the situation, which as discussed previously, can't be done. 10. Don't be afraid to talk about the child. One of my biggest fears was that people would forget Sydney. For the first few weeks after the funeral, no one, including our family, mentioned going by the cemetery. This made me feel like they had all just moved on and she was not important. In reality, they had been going frequently, but had not said anything because they were afraid to upset me. Once they started talking about her freely, I would cry, yes, but I felt so much better about it. Crying is just a part of life when you have lost a child. 11. It is o.k. to leave pictures of them up. Taking the pictures down again seems as if they are out of sight, out of mind. Leaving them up says that you still love them and they are still important. 12. Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty. Being around someone who is grieving is not an easy or fun thing. If your heart is not completely in it, let someone else be there for them. They can tell when you are just going through the motions and that does not help anyone. Sharing in someone's suffering means that when you ask how they are doing, or offer to let them talk, you are prepared to be there as long as it takes. Don't judge them. Don't tell them they should not feel the way they do. Be ready to take anything they may throw out without correcting. As much as you want to, you need to just let them vent. Put yourself into them, or get out of their way. 13. Pray. Pray with them, pray over them, pray for them on your own. This may be uncomfortable at times, but the most comfort can be obtained from God. When I first lost Sydney, I could not pray on my own. I felt like I had prayed for God to save her with everything that was in me, and when he did not, I didn't have anything left to pray about. That is when the prayers of others carried me. I knew that I needed it, I just couldn't do it for myself, yet. |
When we were sitting down to pick out the marker for Sydney's grave, we decided on a bench. We wanted something nice and did not want to look back on it down the road and wish we had gone ahead and spent the money for what we really wanted. Also, we thought that since we would be visiting this grave for many years to come, it was well worth the extra cost. Plus, when we have more children, it will be nice to have a place to say, "Here...sit here and color," while I take my time.
We had ordered the bench back in May or June and because of problems with the manufacturer, it had not come in until a few weeks ago...just in time for the snow and the holidays. Needless to say, they could not install it until the weather cleared up.
I was so worried that they would not get it installed by her birthday- in which case they would have had one hysterical momma on their hands!
We have been checking in every few days to see if they had gotten it in yet. On our way back from the doctor's office today, we decided to go by the cemetery to check on the status of the bench. As we pulled up, there were two men working on setting the base. They told us it should be completely installed this evening. So, even though we are sick, and even though it is freezing outside, we went back into town this evening to catch our first glimpse of the bench. Both of our parents met us there.
We are really pleased with the way it turned out. Is it weird that I am actually excited about getting the bench that is to mark my daughter's grave? Nothing makes any sense in this entire ordeal. Things that I think will upset me, or should upset me, don't. And, the things that I think I will be fine with kick me in the gut. I just have to roll with it.
We put ladybugs on the top corners of the bench. We were decorating her nursery in a ladybug theme. Now, they have come to symbolize Sydney in our lives. Every time I see one, I think of her. It is like she is visiting me, or saying hi. Odd, I know, but it is the little things that comfort.
We also put one of the main verses that comforted us during the first few weeks/months after we lost her. It is John 16:33 and can be read below.
No matter what we go through, God has overcome it. It does not say that life will be a cake walk for Christians. It does not say that if you do things the right way, everything will be ok. It says that we are going to have trouble. Plain and simple. But, God has over come all of those things. We struggle to keep that in perspective as we drown in our longing for Sydney.
We love you and miss you Sydney, and we only want the best for you. We know in our hears that you already have that- even without this bench. We will never forget you!
My friend, Nichole, sent me a link to a post entitled, "To the mama without the baby." She said she thought of me when reading it. When I read it, I could echo the thoughts of the author. It is good reading for those who have lost a child, but also for those wanting to understand how we feel. So go over to Sweet|Salty to check it out.
I can hardly believe that it has been a year since 2007 arrived. What a roller coaster it has been!
We started 2007 out in excited anticipation. We were expecting our first child, our daughter, Sydney. I first felt her move in early January while we were out for a drive with my parents and Andrew's parents. It was such an amazing feeling! I could not believe it.
Then, at the end of January, I was admitted to the hospital on bed rest as my water had broken at 25 weeks. But, Sydney was a trooper! She continued to grow and thrive and fight. We were beating the odds when I went into labor at 31 weeks. At first, things were looking good, but the infection that had caused my labor was too much, and we lost her after 16 1/2 hours of life.
Sydney
Our yellow house
Teresa, Mom and I at Thanksgiving
Me and Lego on my birthday.
Andrew with his A Christmas Story T-Shirt
On Tuesday evening, we set out put up our Christmas decorations, including decorating the tree. I was not prepared for the rush of emotions that was to come. As we got out our Christmas storage boxes, I began to remove the "My First Christmas" bibs, bottles, sippy cups, etc. I remember calling my Mom last year and asking whether Sydney would be using bottles or sippy cups at Christmas time. Since the timing was so close, I bought both; because, I just didn't know. Boy, did I not know. Needless to say, this was a very difficult Christmas to decorate. The time was interrupted numerous times with tears, but we made it through. I am sure they won't be the last tears shed this season, but I think I got my big attack out of the way.
Anyway, we did get our decorations put out. We made sure to pack something away for everything we put out, so our area is not too cluttered. The cats seemed to enjoy the time as well. Millie took up residence under the tree. Lego slept next the the space heater we keep in the living room. (It helps keep down the electric bills! Maybe a WFMW post?) We succeeded in getting the right size tree. It is perfect for the corner. We have never tried it there before, but I think we have found the place for our tree as long as we live in this house.
Merry Christmas! I hope your season is filled with blessings and joy!
I want to preface this post by saying that it is fairly long. But once I started writing, I could not stop. I pretty much pored my heart out. I hope you will take the time to read the whole thing. You just might find something in it for yourself.
I have struggled my entire life with maintaining a steady quite time with God. I have started and stopped, often after only a few days. I get down on myself for failing and being inconsistent and only end up failing more. I think Satan has used me being hard on myself to keep me from developing a strong personal relationship with God.
This has hit me even more strongly since losing Sydney. Andrew and I have been drowning in our anger and lack of understanding. I know that God is all-powerful and could have saved her if he chose to do so. So, why didn't He? We felt forsaken! I know that he sent us people to help comfort us and to share in our suffering and help us through such a horrific time- without that, I don't know what we would have done! But, we really just wanted Sydney!
It has been a long journey filled with struggles and temper tantrums, and we still have a long way to go, but I feel that God has paved the way for healing for me. Through a series of events and long discussions including the ZOE conference last weekend, I feel that I am finally at a place to start working towards a relationship with God.
I want to- no I need to figure out who God is. I need to understand how he interacts with us- when he intercedes in our lives and when he does not. And, I need to understand prayer. What is it's purpose? I think I have always had a warped view of all of these things. I think that ultimately, I have looked at them more as ways to manipulate God than ways to manipulate myself.
This week has been the beginning of a new journey for me. I started attending the Ladies Bible Class that meets at church on Thursday mornings. The topic is Walking in Faith through the darkness. I think this will be very good for me. Also, today, I started a daily devotional time. I don't know that I am always going to get it done everyday, and I may not post all of them, but I am going to strive towards that goal. I plan to blog these for two different reasons. First, I want to share with you what I am learning. I have moments where I am clear with what I am thinking and feeling, and then when I try to tell them to someone else, I lose it and it all comes out in a jumbled mess. With this, I can just say- go read my blog! :) Also, I want to keep track of what I am studying so I can look back over it later. When those things are a jumbled mess for others, I find they are a jumbled mess for me as well and I wish I had them recorded so I could refresh for myself.
So, here it goes. I started reading the book Knowing & Loving the Bible: Face to Face with God in His Word by Catherine Martin. Today, I read the introduction with the intent to go on to read the first chapter, but was caught dead in my tracks. She quoted Psalm 25:14. When I looked up Psalm 25 to read it in its entirety, I was amazed. I felt like it was speaking directly to my situation. Especially important to me were vs. 4-5. As I am starting down this journey, I need God to show me the way. I also need to be reminded that my hope is in God. Verses 16-18 also struck me as I am lonely without Sydney and my heart is troubled. I read and reread the Psalm and found comfort in it. I think it will become the theme of my journey.
I hope this has been enlightening to you and not too long. Thank you for sticking it out and reading this. I hope you will join me on this journey. It is one we all need to take.
We found ourselves in an interesting place this past weekend. We went to the ZOE Worship Conference in Nashville, Tennessee. We feel like this conference was planned as if they knew we were coming. And, I guess, God did! While it was incredibly difficult, it was also a healing experience. The songs, speakers, and classes seemed to be directed specifically at us. Everything seemed to be reminding us that while, no, God may not fix everything the way we want him to, and even though we are going through a suffocating storm in our lives, God is still God and He is still sovereign and to be praised. So many songs we sing seem to be trite in the way they thank God for meeting our needs, but we sang a lot of songs that said that God will be there for us even in the storms of life. We met or heard from so many people who have lost a child and who have doubted and who are still praising God. While I cried through most of the songs in the worship portions, I still felt uplifted. The singing was incredible! It was like being back in chapel in college with hundreds of people singing at the top of their lungs. I have a lot of things to think about now, coming home. I am hoping this will jump-start my journey to a relationship with God.
Thank you God for putting us in the place where we could hear your voice and start finding our way back to a relationship with You!
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