The Best of Days and the Worst of Days

March 11, 2007 was the best and worst day of my life. It is amazing how quickly life can change. One minute, we were rejoicing that our little girl was here with us, breathing on her own. The next, we were watching an amazing team of doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists fight for her life. Since that time, so much has gone through my mind. I have faced anger, shock, despair, denial, anger, sadness, pain. So much of the time, I don't even know what I am feeling. I stare at her picture and think how perfect my little girl was. I ask God why she had to go, but I don't really want to know the answer...because no reason could justify us losing her. Nothing is worth her life to us. I will never understand why this all happened. I can sit here and go over all of the different physical reasons why this happened, but in reality, it all comes down to the fact that at some point, God saw that this was going to happen and allowed it. That makes me angry. It makes both of us angry. That is what we will never understand. It has been so hard for us to turn to God for comfort, because we are so angry at Him for allowing this to happen. But, I guess He is big enough to take that and anything else we can throw at Him. He has provided so many amazing friends and family to help us get through this. The hugs, smiles, tears, and silent moments that we have shared with so many have helped us in our healing process. We still have a long way to go, but as we spent this day together one month later, remembering Sydney and buying things to put at her grave, I have come to a couple of realizations. First, I am somehow glad that she did not have to face all of the pain and trouble that we have here on earth. Second, I cannot fathom the kind of love it would take to not only give up your child for someone else, but to willingly let your child be tortured for people who don't deserve it. I can see how God could feel it was worth it for Sydney, but definitely not for me. Sydney has taught me how much love can change you, and has prompted me to try to live every day trying to be more worthy of Christ's sacrifice for me.

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