Grief Wish List

Amy sent us a newsletter yesterday for a support group at University Hospital. In it was the following "wish list" meant to help others understand our grief and how to relate to us. I have heard many people say that they don't know what to say, or what not to say. This might help. I know I feel this way. I don't want Sydney to be forgotten, and when people don't talk about her to me, I feel like she has been...even though logically, I know that is not true. I have learned through casual conversation that some family members go by the grave, when I had previously thought they never did. While sometimes it makes me cry to talk about it, it makes me feel good to know that other people miss her, too. So, here it is:


1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. She lived and was important and I need and want to hear her name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that she died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

4. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.

6. I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expecting following death.

7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months, a year, or in five years. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “formerly bereaved”, but will FOREVER be “recovering” from my bereavement.

8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, loose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness or be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

9. My child’s birthday, the anniversary of her passing and the holidays are terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about her on those days and if I get quiet or withdrawn, just know that I am thinking about her and don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful.

10. I wish you understood that the only way I can feel better is to experience my pain and grief. I have to hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child went to heaven and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to my old self, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me…maybe you will still like me.

Thanks to all of the people who have been there for us over the past two months since we lost Sydney. You have made this easier for us.

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